The Expected Resfeber

11th June, 2 pm

Lazily lying on the bed and feeling bored, I asked my mind : "How do you feel about the coming trip. You must be having some different feelings as it is my first solo trip. What do you think I’d doing there?". It replied : "Ah! It feels great. Waking up in the mountains, it would surely be a feast for your eyes. Then after having a delicious breakfast somewhere in the city which you don’t know yet, you would go out with your laptop. You'd be doing just one thing : Exploring. Exploring and observing everything around you. The people, the market, the restaurant, the scenery and everything else. No one would be watching you". It felt great and suddenly, all the lethargy seemed to be transforming into a zest for the trip. I could picture myself just roaming around the streets, talking to different people around me, trying out new food everyday or sometimes, just sitting alone in the mountains with my diary and a pen.

But as the day passed, I felt my enthusiasm getting diluted with a different feeling. As the night approached, this feeling was now present in a larger proportion and enthusiasm was just staring at it from a corner. It was weird. At first, I didn't understand why it was happening. I had surely experienced this feeling before, whenever I tried to do something that was out of my comfort zone. And as always, it was abstract, like telling me 'I won't tell you why I am here unless you dig out yourself'. Worried, I asked my mind the same question again. it replied "umm, at this point of time, I guess you'd have had your dinner and you would be lying on your bed ready to go to sleep." The reply was so low in energy that I wanted to ask my mind ‘itna kyun nervousa raha hai bhai !'. Something on the back of my mind was pulling all the enthusiasm that I have been having till now. Feeling confused, as to why it was reacting differently at different times of the day, I tried to picture like I had done before. It was actually somewhat depressing. it was difficult to form a pleasant image of what I’d be doing at that time. The image that came to my mind was : 'I am lying alone in a room, trying to go to sleep'. That's it. Nothing else. I had never thought that the ‘loneliness factor’ that I had overcome easily, will get into the picture like this.

And then it struck me, that this image formation technique was something that my mind used to produce different feelings about the trip and it turned out, that it had no good images of night time. It had no fucking idea what I'd be doing at night once I had my dinner. So, my next task was to feed it with this information, and some good images of that time.

As soon as I figured this out and started the 'healing process', I was actually feeling better. It was better now because there was nothing abstract present there. Everything was clear, whether it was good or bad. I could literally portray my mind as a small child who would be accompanying me to the trip, but was upset with me because I hadn't conveyed him some of the information.